


hand wash your lich jeans

by anonymousAlchemist



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, all you need to know is jeans as phylactery, and barry is a sentient pair of pants, barry IS the bluejeans, the sequel to denim days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 16:36:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13415286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousAlchemist/pseuds/anonymousAlchemist
Summary: "Guess what day it is," Sildar says, unbuttoning his jeans."I liked you better when you were scared of me," Barry say-thinks, projecting annoyance."It's laundry day," Sildar says gleefully, and kicks the pants off of his legs.





	hand wash your lich jeans

**Author's Note:**

> sequel to [Denim Days](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12892368)  
> all you need to know: barry is a sentient pair of pants that possesses a human host. thats all.
> 
> THANKS 2 BLUE-MOOD-BLUE FOR THE TITLE AND TO BLUE-COLORED-DREAMS FOR THE GOOD GOOD BARRYS DICK JOKE.

"Guess what day it is," Sildar says, unbuttoning his jeans.

"I liked you better when you were scared of me," Barry say-thinks, projecting annoyance. 

"It's laundry day," Sildar says gleefully, and kicks the pants off of his legs. 

# 

Laundry doesn't exactly hurt Barry, but he doesn't enjoy the experience. It's wet, and gross, and dark, and overall just a bad sensory experience for a lich trapped in a pair of pants. He complains every time Sildar does it. 

"I've been wearing you for two weeks straight," Sildar points out. 

"You're not supposed to wash jeans," Barry sayss. "It's like, uh, a thing. Just wear me in the shower." 

"I'll do the short cycle," Sildar says. "Lup's not gonna like us if we smell weird." 

That, at least, usually silences most of Barry's arguments. 

# 

Laundry day on the Starblaster happens whenever Magnus runs out of clean underwear, Taako runs out of crop tops, or Merle runs out of Hawaiian shirts. Okay, that's a lie. There's no set laundry day. They're all adults on the ship. They do laundry when it seems applicable, but occasionally there are intersections. 

Magnus is in the laundry room when Sildar comes in with Barry and the rest of his clothing. There's not much of it — he rotates out of the same four t-shirts most of the time. 

"Hey, mind if I drop my stuff in with yours?" Sildar asks. Magnus nods. 

"No problemo," he says, holding out his basket for Sildar to deposit his stuff into. Sildar dumps his armful of laundry, deliberately ignoring Barry's shouting. He feels bad for the guy but the jeans do have to be washed once in a while. And the Starblaster only has one washing machine and dryer. 

"Thanks," Sildar says. 

#

Magnus puts the laundry in the washing machine. Then he leaves. Then he comes back, and puts the laundry in the dryer. Neither he or Sildar owns anything that needs to be line-dried. They were both twenty year old human men when they went on the mission. 

He forgets about the laundry until the next morning, when he snaps awake at five-forty-five AM and says, "Fuck! My laundry!" and walks over to the laundry room to grab the clean clothing. He walks sleepily back to his room with the laundry basket and goes back to sleep. 

When he wakes up for real — nine o'clock — he figures he should get dressed. The laundry basket is near the foot of his bed.  

Magnus puts on a pair of clean jeans. 

Barry blinks, and looks down at his big hands. "Oh, this is new." 

"Oh fuck, sorry Barry," Magnus says, taking back control over his mouth. "Wow, this feels weird." 

"You get used to it," Barry says psychically. "Also, I hope you know I'm going to overshadow you now. You washed me on _ high _ ." 

#

Sildar goes to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. He runs into Lup and Taako in the hallway, and nods sleepily at them, and Lup slings an arm around his shoulder and then Sildar has to concentrate all his energy on not blushing. It doesn't really work. Taako smirks at him. Sildar ignores him. They all go into the kitchen together. 

Magnus is sitting at the kitchen table reading a book. He glances up and waves at them. Lup squints. 

"That's not Maggie," she says. 

"Nope," Barry says, and grins in a parody of Magnus's broad smile. 

"Aw fuck, look!" Taako says, pointing at the pants that Barry is wearing. Sturdy. Denim. Blue. 

"Oh no," Sildar says. 

"This is revenge," Barry says solemnly, but breaks the facade by laughing. Sildar sits down hesitantly next to him. Barry pats him on the shoulder, still beaming. 

"Hey, let's keep pretendin' this is Maggie, and see if Luce and Cap'nport and Merle can tell," Lup says.”

#

Luce and Cap'nport immediately notice. 

Merle does not. 

"Do we have to have the seminar about 'acceptable possession' again?" Davenport says. He's trying not to laugh. 

#

"Barry. Bear. My man. I need to know. Who has the bigger wang?" Taako says, all grinning mischief. 

Barry pauses. He taps Magnus's fingers against the counter. That smile looks very out of place on Magnus's face. 

"Barry, don't you dare tell him," Sildar says urgently. 

"Sil, you don't actually know," Barry says, very reasonably. 

"I don't need to know! If I don't know, I can pretend that mine is bigger, let me have this!" Sildar says, voice spiraling high. Barry laughs and pats Sildar on the shoulder. 

"Don't worry kiddo, you're nothing to sneeze at." He pauses. "Then again, neither is Maggie." 

"This conversation needs to be happening somewhere I can't hear it!" Lucretia calls from the living room. "Keep your dick measuring contest in your pants, boys." 

"Technically that's exactly what's going on, my dude," Taako says, and cracks up at his own joke. 

"Technically, mine's the biggest," Barry says. "It, uh, engulfs both of yours." 

Sildar's howling, mixed with Barry's laughter. 

#

It's strange, seeing Magnus's large form hovering over the magical instruments in the lab. Sildar pauses at the doorway to take in the sight. Barry glances up. 

"Hey, oh, wow, this perspective is still uh, super weird." 

"You're telling me," Sildar says. "When are you going to let Magnus go?" 

"We've come to an agreement," Barry says. "Also you have to do his laundry for the next month." 

"Stop making deals using me, make your own deals," Sildar says, more out of habit than anything else. 

He takes a seat next to Barry at their shared lab bench. It's mostly Barry's really. Sildar is just passable at magic, and on this ship, being passable is next to useless sometimes. 

"If I off it," Sildar says slowly. "This whole thing could be useful." He gestures to Magnus's just, general area.  

Barry puts down the gemstone he's peering at. He looks at Sildar. Sildar finds it extremely weird to be stared at by Barry. For all their familiarity, they've never had a conversation facing each other. 

"Sil, stop trying to make it okay if you die," Magnus says, and Sildar can tell that this is Magnus by the cadence of his speech. 

"I'm not trying to make it okay if I die," Sildar says. "I'm just, contingencies, you know? It's not like I'm gonna make it through all these cycles intact." 

"Yeah, but you shouldn't plan for it," Magnus says. "You sound like you're planning on it." 

"I'm not planning on it!" 

"Kiddo, let me worry about what happens, alright?" Barry says. "Please. We'll deal with that when we need to."

Sildar sighs. 

"Fine. Your loss."  

#

"Sil! Babe! Come help me with this thing," Lup says, rushing into the living room. 

"What thing?" Sildar says. 

"Just, a thing," Lup says, and she's smiling like this is a prank. 

"Get Barry to do it," Sildar says. He's a little suspicious. 

"I want you, my dude, c'mon, c'mo-on," she says, pulling at his arm. 

"I thought you liked Barry better than me," Sildar teases. 

"I like both of you," Lup says. 

Sildar gets up. He's awful at saying no to her. 

#

It is, in fact, a prank. He’s covered in pink jelly now and everything is terrible. Thank the gods that Barry didn't see, Sildar thinks to himself. The way Lup's face looked when she laughed, though. 

That was worth it. 

#

"This has been fun, but I'm getting tired of bumping into things," Barry admits, walking into Sildar's bathroom as he wipes slime off his face. "I'm gonna hand it back over to Mags." 

"Sure," Sildar says, hastily putting the washcloth down. Hopefully Barry doesn’t notice. 

He watches as Barry slides out of Magnus's head and Magnus blinks. So that's what it looks like on the outside. 

"That was  _ weird, _ " Magnus says. "You do that all the time?"

"Pretty much," Sildar says. "You get used to it." 

"You're a weirdo, Hallwinter," Magnus says affectionately. He hands Sildar the pants. 

"Right back atcha, Burnsides," Sildar says, taking the pants and putting them on. 

"Now, uh, get out of our bathroom," Barry says. Magnus huffs a laugh, and does. 

Sildar walks out of the bathroom and lies down on his bed wearing the jeans that Barry is trapped in. He wonders what would have happened if he had never picked them up at the thrift store. Barry is quiet. The bed is comfortable. The ceiling is peppered with stick-on stars that Lucretia had bought him as a joke, because he's a single year younger than her and thus she will forever think of him as a child. They glow softly. 

Barry is a comforting weight at the back of his mind, a glowing coil of consciousness. It's reassuring. 

"Gonna be honest," Sildar admits. "I kinda missed this." 

Barry laughs. "Me too, kid." 

He brings a hand to their face. 

“Why is our forehead sticky?”

#

When Barry comes into the kitchen the next morning, safely shod over Sildar's legs, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. He sits down in his usual seat, and Sildar pours himself a cup of coffee. Barry doesn’t like mornings. 

"Say. Y'know you coulda just hand-washed him? Or prestidigitated the gross offa Barold," Taako points out. "S'what I do for a bunch of my clothes." 

"Shit," Sildar says. "You're right." 

Taako pats him on the back. "I always am." 

 

**Author's Note:**

> kick it w/ cha'girl at @[anonymousalchemist](http://anonymousalchemist.tumblr.com/)


End file.
